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Heather Margiotta

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You are here: Home / Relationships / An Open Letter To The Mother Raising A Daughter: How I’m Raising My Sons To Respect Her

An Open Letter To The Mother Raising A Daughter: How I’m Raising My Sons To Respect Her

in Relationships, Spiritual Growth on 08/16/18

To The Mother Raising A Daughter,

It breaks my heart to hear the countless stories of women sharing how their bodies were violated by men. As a friend to some of these women, it brings me to tears when they share their stories. As a former foster mom, it enrages me when I see innocent children hurt and damaged, many by their own family members.

I know it’s scary raising a daughter and fearing what men could do to her, her body, and her spirit. I may not have daughters to worry about but I do have sons. Sons who I want to grow up to be kind, loving, and generous and not be the ones you fear.

I want my sons to respect your daughter’s talents, gifts, body, opinions, and mind. I want my sons to see your daughter as their equal and to value their worth. I want my sons to speak kindly to her while also encouraging her to succeed.

My sons are still young- I have a toddler and a teenager. I have no way perfected the process of raising sons who respect women but I am a mother in the thick of it. I’m a mother who sees the court cases and the #metoo movement and prays that my husband and I can effectively teach our boys to respect your daughter. I’m a mother who’s working hard.

FIVE Practical Ways I’m Raising My Son’s to Respect Your Daughter

1. PRAYER: I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer so I cover my boys in it. I pray for their salvation, their future, and for protection. I pray through each Fruit of the Spirit over their lives and for their purity. I tell my teenage son that he can choose to be obedient to God and wait until he’s married to be intimate. I also share with him that since God gives self-control to not believe the lies that it has to be hard to wait. Purity is beautiful and a gift. Purity is not the refusal of a burning itching desire. Purity is not an annoying fly you have to keep swatting away. Purity is a result of self-control and self-control is a result of a committed relationship with Christ. A committed relationship with Christ is waking up every day choosing to follow Him. A committed relationship with Christ is when your desires become like His and when that happens you will then desire purity. I tell my teenage son to run towards Christ and while he’s running he will find his wife doing the same thing.

Galatians 5:22-23 says, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

2. LEADING: It’s mine and James’ responsibility to lead them to Christ and teach them godly characteristics. We show our sons how beautiful a marriage can be when Christ is the center by having our marriage be the example. They see us work together, make decisions together, and respect one another. They see James treating me as an equal and that my opinion has the same value as his. Like all couples, we’re not perfect so when we have a disagreement in front of our sons we make sure to resolve it in front of them too. I want my sons to work towards a resolution with your daughter and see the value in their opinion whether it’s in the workplace, social setting, or in their marriage. My husband does work around the house to teach our sons that it’s not solely the wife’s job. James changed diapers, gives baths, and stays home with the children often while I go out to teach our sons that fathers don’t “babysit”- they parent.  We know we have four eyes watching every step we take and when we mess up- we own it. We lead and train our sons so if they marry your daughter they will know how to lead their home with her. We lead and train our sons so when they befriend your daughter, work alongside them, or work for them- they will respect her.

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

3. SENSITIVITY: When my sons are upset, I acknowledge their emotions and allow the space for it. I don’t tell them to suck it up, or that boys don’t cry. I give tough love when it’s needed but it’s never done in a way to make them feel they can’t be a man and show emotion. While I allow the space for emotions I also guide and teach on how to express them in a healthy manner. I want my sons to listen to your daughter when their heart is broken or hurting and show compassion and empathy to her. I want my sons to see the strength it takes to express emotions so that they will see the strength in her. I’m sensitive to them so they will learn to be sensitive to others. 

Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

4. PROTECTION: I’ve taught my teenage son and will teach my toddler the same thing when he gets a little bit older; I teach them to look away. When a commercial comes on with a woman dressed in lingerie, or we’re walking through the mall and see a picture of a barely dressed women, or when a scene comes on the tv that’s provocative- I teach them to look away. I tell my teenager to respect the women’s body by giving her the privacy she deserves. I tell him that he can respect a woman’s body even more than she respects it herself. I show him that by looking away he is respecting her whether she wants the respect or not. I tell him how he can reserve his eyes for his wife and look at her with adoration all the days of their married life. And just between me and you-this really does work. Is my son perfect and has never been curious and looked? No. But, I have seen him look away when he didn’t realize I was around. I’ve had other people comment on him looking away when he’s not with me. I’m teaching him to protect his eyes so he can not only protect himself- but others too.

Matthew 6:22-23 says “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

5. NEVER ACCEPT THAT “BOYS WILL BE BOYS”: I’ve had friends and family members tell me that my sons will look at porn because “boys will be boys.” I’ve had the same people say that my sons will have sex before their married because “boys will be boys.” These people also said that my sons will talk about women and their bodies because of course, “boys will be boys.” I’m not raising my sons to be boys, I’m raising them to be men who passionately love Jesus, will serve and honor their wife, teach and train their children, and be kind to everyone. Porn, premarital sex, and perverse talk are never accepted no matter what gender my children are. I not only encourage my teenage son to read scripture on his own while we’re reading it together, I hold him accountable to it too. I know God’s word will protect my son as he grows into a man.

Psalm 119:9 says “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.”

I’m not a perfect mother and still have so many things to learn. How I train my sons will grow and adapt as I grow and adapt as a mother. But one thing is certain- I will always train my children to respect your daughter and anything short of that is not dismissable. Your daughter is a gift and so is my son.

My sons won’t be perfect, they won’t always get it right, and they will make mistakes. But if they’re loving Jesus more than your daughter- then I’m one blessed momma and your daughter will be well taken care of.

Sincerely,

A Mother to sons

24 Comments


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Comments

  1. Paula Frances Price says

    August 16, 2018 at 11:22 am

    Thank you for this! As a mom of a toddler girl and a campus minister that ministers to both men and women, I’m thankful for your post. I can’t tell you how many times, I silently scream when a friend says, well boys will be boys or when a college student sits in my office crying it was her fault that a man harrassed or abused her. I’m particularly thankful that you are teaching your boys to see you and your husband as equal. Thank you so much! Your post is full of hope for this momma of a toddler girl.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 16, 2018 at 12:08 pm

      Hi Paula, thank you for the work you do as campus ministers. I can’t even begin to realize the stories you’ve been told and the number of hands you’ve held while students cried about being harassed or abused. Your work is vital! Also, thank you for the kind words and encouragement. They mean a lot!

      Reply
  2. Jamie Boettcher says

    August 16, 2018 at 11:36 am

    This is so well written and full of TRUTH! I am saving this as a shortcut on my tablet because I need this more than I realized. My sons (and their future wives) will ben9from this wisdom.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 16, 2018 at 12:06 pm

      Thank you, Jamie. I appreciate your kind words and am blessed to see God using it in your life.

      Reply
  3. Christine says

    August 16, 2018 at 1:28 pm

    Heather, thank you for not only living and raising your boys this way, but for writing about it and sharing it with all of us. May many more parents be encouraged to take raise the bar in their own homes and take a stand for holiness and the peace and freedom it brings. Blessings to you!

    Reply
  4. Denise Renae says

    August 16, 2018 at 2:18 pm

    I absolutely love this letter! I have three young girls and want them to marry your sons! LOL We are constantly praying for our future son in laws and for their spiritual being even now. Thanks for this!

    Reply
  5. Amy Tol says

    August 16, 2018 at 3:54 pm

    Thank you for writing this post, but more importantly, for teaching your boys how to look upon women/girls through God’s eyes, and not the warped lenses that culture offers. I especially appreciate your goal of teaching sensitivity, and challenging the “boys will be boys” excuse that ignores disrespect for God’s daughters. Jesus is such a beautiful example of a man who was both strong and sensitive: “I’m not raising my sons to be boys, I’m raising them to be men who passionately love Jesus.” Amen sister!!

    Reply
    • Sarah says

      August 21, 2018 at 10:24 am

      This is a great read. It is very insightful and definitely made me think that even though my boys are young, is never too early to teach them respect. Thank you for this post!

      Reply
  6. Sophie @mycuprunsover.ca says

    August 17, 2018 at 9:23 am

    This is so beautiful Heather, and so much of it is applicable to our daughters too. As a mom of 3 girls and 1 boy, I often think and pray about the people they will marry, and my hope is that they’ll find people who reflect all of the things you’ve mentioned here. I especially love this sentence: “A committed relationship with Christ is when your desires become like His and when that happens you will then desire purity. I tell my teenage son to run towards Christ and while he’s running he will find his wife doing the same thing.”

    Yes!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 17, 2018 at 12:20 pm

      Thank you so much, Sophie, for your kind words! Blessings as you raise your little ones =)

      Reply
  7. Heather Hart says

    August 20, 2018 at 12:40 pm

    It is so hard raising kids in today’s world. My momma heart was broken this month when this hit too close to home. We can’t always be prepared. Even when we think we are. Just keep praying, and doing the best that we can.

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 20, 2018 at 12:58 pm

      You’re so right. We can cross every T and for every I but the world is still broken and hurting. I believe in the power of prayer and protection and that’s the best we can do!

      Reply
  8. kristen says

    August 20, 2018 at 4:44 pm

    wow well this post made me cry. what a well written piece. this is a post everyone should read.

    Reply
  9. Rosemary says

    August 20, 2018 at 8:20 pm

    Thank you for raising your sons as you are doing. Everything starts at home and you and your husband make fine models. With you both as parents, you boys will grow up to be fine gentlemen!

    Reply
  10. Nicole says

    August 20, 2018 at 10:13 pm

    As a momma to two girls, this is so refreshing to read! We have to join together as parents to make our children’s generation even greater and you are on the perfect path! Thank you so much!

    Reply
  11. Diana Tidswell says

    August 21, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    This is such a well-written post. I also wanted my son to be pure as he gets older and I know prayer is one of the effective way to do that.

    Reply
  12. Chelsea says

    August 21, 2018 at 10:23 pm

    This is seriously amazing. As a mother of 2 girls and a boy, I am subjected to both sides of the fence, and honestly, I fear for all of them getting older and into relationships. It is so refreshing however to read this as opposed to the stories that shine only on the negative aspects of the way people respect (or do not respect) one another. Thank you mama for being a role model, and and all around amazing mom.

    Reply
  13. Cindy Ingalls says

    August 21, 2018 at 11:52 pm

    Raising kids in today’s social media, fast-paced world comes with many challenges. It’s so important to teach our sons to respect women, while also being their allies, and to teach girls to stand up for themselves and never let anyone make you feel less than.

    Reply
  14. Mae Blooms says

    August 22, 2018 at 11:16 am

    ♡♡♡
    Very much appreciated. I’m a mom of 3 daughters and I have prayed fervently and will continue to pray that parents somewhere are grooming their sons for our daughters, just as we’re prepping our girls to Godly wives and mothers one day! God bless you!

    Reply
    • Heather says

      August 23, 2018 at 3:22 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  15. Kat Fox says

    September 5, 2019 at 10:24 pm

    This is such a great message. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply

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I met Jesus when I was 14 years old. My brother invited me to church with him, I went, listened, and was given a Bible at the end of the service. ••••
I remember coming home and sitting on my bed with my new Bible in my hand. I sat there thinking of everything I was told that night and how it reminded me of everything I was taught when I was a little girl. ••••
After sitting there for awhile, I prayed for the very first time. Out loud I said, “OK God, if you are who they say you are, then why would you send your son to die for me, why wouldn’t you just die for me?”
••••
Immediately, and when I say immediately I truly mean with no hesitation a thought came into my mind. I heard, “Doesn’t a parent love their child so much that they would die for them? I love you so much more then that, that I would allow my child to die for YOU.”
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I knew the thought that had entered my mind was not from me. I knew it was God speaking directly to me. Since that day, I’ve followed Jesus, learning more about Him, and have dedicated my life to sharing about eternal life through Christ and all the goodness He is. ••••
The world will tell you religion is all about rules and what not to do. Can I personally tell you, that is not true. Following Jesus has given me freedom to truly live. I GET to do things because of Jesus. ••••
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I get to give to others because Jesus has given so much to me. 
I get to truly forgive because Jesus forgave me. 
I get to heal from the hurts life has thrown at me because Jesus has healed me. 
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I spent a semester in Israel during my college yea I spent a semester in Israel during my college years @seuniversity. It was two months after James and I got married so, our first few months as a married couple were spent walking the same streets of Jesus. To say it was a cool experience would be an understatement. •••••••
During my time in Israel there were two moments that took my breath away. One of those moments was being in the literally prison hole that Jesus stayed in the night before He died. •••••••
Historical sites are given a grading scale. An A site is “this is for sure the site that XYZ took place.” An B site is “XYZ took place here OR there” And a C site is “XYZ took place somewhere in this region.” •••••••
Jesus holding cell is an A site. •••••••
I stood in the prison with my fellow students and professor and his family. We sang the hymn - “I Have Decided To Follow Jesus.” It was the only time there I wept like a baby. Snot and all haha! •••••••
But man, to be where your savior was knowing what was to come and He chose to do it anyways. I’ve never felt more love in that moment then I have in my entire life. ••••••••
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I know it’s been awhile and I have a post going up tomorrow that explains what the beginning of 2020 has held for myself and my family. 
But, I wanted to get one here tonight to share something that has been on my heart. 
You cannot turn on the TV or pick up your phone without the word “COVID-19” blaring at you. While it’s wise to be informed, these are times many can become anxious, full of fear, and worry. 
Friend, this is our time. And what I mean by that, it’s the Church body’s time. It’s our time to rise up and praise the name of Jesus louder then any other name or word. 
Can I remind you that Jesus conquered every sickness and disease! 
Every. Single. One. 
When He died on that cross. 
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When you find yourself reading this, do me a favor and pause. Look up Psalm 91. Read it, listen to it on repeat on the Bible app, and dwell in the presence of God. 
And then, wake up tomorrow knowing you are a child of the most high King- who rescues you from every attack of the enemy, who protects you from deadly diseases, who is covering you with His feathers and providing you shelter. 
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As you know, I refer to my readers as ‘friend’ and that’s because a friend shows up, listens, encourages, shares, and prays. So, thank you. Thank you for being a friend. 
I’m looking forward to this new year with you as I share more of what God continues to lay on my heart. I’ll continue to look forward to hear from you as we do this journey of life together. •
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Love you friend.
Hi, friend. • • • I’ve been taking things Hi, friend. •
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I’ve been taking things slow over here to enjoy as much of this baby season as humanly possible. Getting to hold and kiss Colton everyday, all day long is a huge blessing I don’t want to take for granted. •
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Happy Easter!! •••• I met Jesus when I was Happy Easter!!
••••
I met Jesus when I was 14 years old. My brother invited me to church with him, I went, listened, and was given a Bible at the end of the service. ••••
I remember coming home and sitting on my bed with my new Bible in my hand. I sat there thinking of everything I was told that night and how it reminded me of everything I was taught when I was a little girl. ••••
After sitting there for awhile, I prayed for the very first time. Out loud I said, “OK God, if you are who they say you are, then why would you send your son to die for me, why wouldn’t you just die for me?”
••••
Immediately, and when I say immediately I truly mean with no hesitation a thought came into my mind. I heard, “Doesn’t a parent love their child so much that they would die for them? I love you so much more then that, that I would allow my child to die for YOU.”
••••
I knew the thought that had entered my mind was not from me. I knew it was God speaking directly to me. Since that day, I’ve followed Jesus, learning more about Him, and have dedicated my life to sharing about eternal life through Christ and all the goodness He is. ••••
The world will tell you religion is all about rules and what not to do. Can I personally tell you, that is not true. Following Jesus has given me freedom to truly live. I GET to do things because of Jesus. ••••
I get to love others because Jesus taught me how to love. 
I get to give to others because Jesus has given so much to me. 
I get to truly forgive because Jesus forgave me. 
I get to heal from the hurts life has thrown at me because Jesus has healed me. 
I get to live a life full of JOY because joy comes from Jesus! 
And sooo much more! ••••
My prayer for you is to passionately serve Jesus, have eternal life through Him, and to truly experience what is feels to live a life of freedom.
••••
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
HEATHERMARGIOTTA.COM
I spent a semester in Israel during my college yea I spent a semester in Israel during my college years @seuniversity. It was two months after James and I got married so, our first few months as a married couple were spent walking the same streets of Jesus. To say it was a cool experience would be an understatement. •••••••
During my time in Israel there were two moments that took my breath away. One of those moments was being in the literally prison hole that Jesus stayed in the night before He died. •••••••
Historical sites are given a grading scale. An A site is “this is for sure the site that XYZ took place.” An B site is “XYZ took place here OR there” And a C site is “XYZ took place somewhere in this region.” •••••••
Jesus holding cell is an A site. •••••••
I stood in the prison with my fellow students and professor and his family. We sang the hymn - “I Have Decided To Follow Jesus.” It was the only time there I wept like a baby. Snot and all haha! •••••••
But man, to be where your savior was knowing what was to come and He chose to do it anyways. I’ve never felt more love in that moment then I have in my entire life. ••••••••
So today, my prayer is for you to feel that same love. To know Jesus died today for YOU and that He came back for YOU! You are His chosen child. •
•
•
•
•
• •
•
HEATHERMARGIOTTA.COM
I don’t believe we will ever be in a time like t I don’t believe we will ever be in a time like this again; where we’re forced to stay home, have no schedule, and simply enjoy each other. •
•

My heart is with all those who are working in the medical field and all the families affected by COVID-19. We lost my uncle this morning to this horrible virus. I’ve been praying for my family and yours and will continue to do so. •
•

So, I want to serve you and since i cannot physically be there with you, I can pray for you. How can I be praying for you today?
•
•
HEATHERMARGIOTTA.COM
I posted last night how I would be sharing with yo I posted last night how I would be sharing with you today what the beginning of 2020 held for my family which caused me to take a pause on writing. •
•

In January we lost my sweet mother-in-law very suddenly. It was a shock to us all and has taken us a bit to wrap our minds around. •
•

In addition to the loss of my mother-in-law, we’ve been navigating some health struggles. Now, with everything going on in our world, I can say it’s def been a year so far. •
•

But, God is good. If it’s not good- then it doesn’t come from God. The enemy is very real but nothing to fear because our God is bigger. •
•

So, Today, I want to take a moment to share with you what losing my sweet mother-in-law has taught me. It’s something we can all learn from and I hope it blesses you and encourages you. •
•
LINK IN BIO
Hi, friend. I know it’s been awhile and I have Hi, friend. 
I know it’s been awhile and I have a post going up tomorrow that explains what the beginning of 2020 has held for myself and my family. 
But, I wanted to get one here tonight to share something that has been on my heart. 
You cannot turn on the TV or pick up your phone without the word “COVID-19” blaring at you. While it’s wise to be informed, these are times many can become anxious, full of fear, and worry. 
Friend, this is our time. And what I mean by that, it’s the Church body’s time. It’s our time to rise up and praise the name of Jesus louder then any other name or word. 
Can I remind you that Jesus conquered every sickness and disease! 
Every. Single. One. 
When He died on that cross. 
And He rose again. 
There are a lot of different beliefs on healing, authority, and what role it plays in our life today. I want to encourage you to seek Jesus through His word and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you to His truth. 
When you find yourself reading this, do me a favor and pause. Look up Psalm 91. Read it, listen to it on repeat on the Bible app, and dwell in the presence of God. 
And then, wake up tomorrow knowing you are a child of the most high King- who rescues you from every attack of the enemy, who protects you from deadly diseases, who is covering you with His feathers and providing you shelter. 
I love you, friend. I’m praying for you.
It's 2020 and with a New Year comes a new FREEBIE! It's 2020 and with a New Year comes a new FREEBIE!
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As a THANK YOU for being here AND being an email subscriber you will receive Loving The Life You Live E-Book with a printable Manifesto for FREE!
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I've spent the past few months writing on 9 simple truths to knowing who you are in Christ. •
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If you’ve been a follower of Jesus for some time, my hope is this book will be a reminder of God’s truth on who He says you are in His eyes. •
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If you're new in your relationship with Christ or are still trying to figure it out and need a little more guidance on finding out who you’re  created to be, this book will be perfect for you. •
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I pray this mini e-book will be an encouragement to your heart and for it to be a tool you use while you share the truths of Jesus with those around you. •
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If you’re already subscribed, check your inbox!
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If you're not a subscriber, click the LINK IN BIO and enter your email address.
Everyone is sharing their top 9 photos from 2019 b Everyone is sharing their top 9 photos from 2019 but I’m going to share my number one photo for this year. This photo represents an answer to prayer in my life and reminds me of the love and faithfulness of my Savior. •
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My family and I just got back from spending a week in South Carolina for Christmas with my parents. •
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Today was a day full of unpacking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and getting back into our normal routine. •
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But, this morning while everyone slept I spent time praying and drinking some coffee. I have so many ideas, goals, and big dreams for my blog and this ministry. •
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I thought about my reader who has used my blog posts to build a women’s ministry curriculum for her neighboring village in western part of Kenya. •
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I thought about my reader in Papua New Guinea who is new in her faith walk and a simple google search looking for more of God’s word led her to my site. •
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I thought about my reader who leads her local church with her husband here is the USA and was looking for a fellow female Christian to connect with and have a space to talk about things she can’t with those around her. •
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I thought about my reader who was diagnosed with a life altering illness and found my site while searching for scripture on healing. •
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I thought about you. The one who has visited and read time and time again. Who has listened while I shared from the deep parts of my heart on the struggles, the wins, the rejections, and the answered prayers of my life. Who has sent encouraging messages, shared feelings, and prayers. Who has in turn opened up to me and shared from the depths of their heart. •
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As you know, I refer to my readers as ‘friend’ and that’s because a friend shows up, listens, encourages, shares, and prays. So, thank you. Thank you for being a friend. 
I’m looking forward to this new year with you as I share more of what God continues to lay on my heart. I’ll continue to look forward to hear from you as we do this journey of life together. •
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Love you friend.
Hi, friend. • • • I’ve been taking things Hi, friend. •
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I’ve been taking things slow over here to enjoy as much of this baby season as humanly possible. Getting to hold and kiss Colton everyday, all day long is a huge blessing I don’t want to take for granted. •
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Because of that, my writing and speaking have been moving slower. I’ve had moments where I’ve shared with James the tug and pull I feel everyday, each week. There’s so many things I want to be doing, creating, sharing but I have to pick and choose right now. •
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Tonight, I was feeding Colton before putting him to bed. When he was done with his bottle I sat it down but kept holding him while finishing a tv show. I heard him cooing and I look down and this precious face was staring up at me with the sweetest smile. •
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Pure joy and love on his face. •
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Friend, here’s your friendly reminder to keep on praying and believing that God has already won the battle, flattened the mountain, and straightened your path. •
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After 2 and 1/2 years of barrenness and praying for this beautiful baby, my Heavenly Father so lovingly answered my prayer with the sweetest boy. •
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I feel closer to Jesus because I pressed into Him during my waiting season and I want the same for you. •
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Press in. •
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And when your prayer is answered: enjoy. every. part. of. it. •
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Even if that means other things need to move slower. •
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Love you, friend. ❤️
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