This month James and I celebrate nine years of marriage. Every year we share the highlights in our relationship and reminisce on the really great seasons we’ve walked through together. However, we also talk about the hard ones. The seasons where we experienced loss of loved ones, betrayals, and financial hardships. The seasons where we bickered and constantly felt misunderstood. When I think back on all the memories we’ve shared in the nine years of marriage and the five years of dating prior- one personal memory still stands out.
We were in our first year of marriage and had our first real fight. We never really argued while dating so this one felt huge for me. James worked a late night shift and I was sitting in the living room watching a movie. Shortly after he left I pulled out my Bible and decided that I needed to pray for my husband because I was convinced only God could “fix” him.
I had no clue what to pray beside listing all his shortcomings and thinking about how “right” I was. Eventually, I landed in Galatians and started reading about the fruits of the spirit. It’s where we see the characteristics of Christ in list form and it paints a picture of how He lived His life on earth. I thought to myself, “Ah, yes, I will pray for these for my husband, because he totally needs it.”
While praying through each characteristic I immediately started to see my areas of failure. I saw my lack of kindness and gentleness when I spoke to my husband. I saw how I wasn’t patient when things weren’t going my way. I also, realized I wasn’t cultivating peace in our home. There wasn’t joy and love in my attitude towards him and I needed a little more self-control.
I entered that prayer thinking I would pray away all my husband’s shortcomings but walked out repenting of all of mine.
I called James, apologized and told him how much I love him. We then prayed together and moved on. I wish I could say that was the first and last time we ever argued but that’s simply not true. We’re two imperfect people who love each other deeply and also tend to be passionate about certain topics. 😉
However, this moment always stuck with me because every time we encounter hard seasons in our marriage, I’ve always gone back to Galatians. I always pray for those characteristics to be present in my life and James’. I pray for these characteristics to pour out of us and to those around us.
I share this story with you because since my post, The One Thing You Need To Do To Save Your Marriage, I’ve had women reach out to me and share from their heart how they strongly desire to pray with their husband.
Some women shared how their husbands don’t know the Lord and won’t pray with them. Many explained they’ve never prayed together before and don’t know how to go about bringing it up. A few also said they don’t know what to pray if they were to pray with their husband.
While I know you may feel alone in your thoughts, find comfort in knowing many other wives want the same as you. Many wives want to pray with their husband but the husband doesn’t have a relationship with Christ. Some don’t know how to bring it up to their husband out of fear of rejection. And some want to pray but don’t know where to begin so they don’t even start.
I want to gently encourage you to start with scripture. When you want to pray for or with your husband and don’t know where to begin, begin in the word.
Galatians 5:22-23 says, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”
Pray for Christ’s love to be the center of your hearts and your marriage. Pray for joy to overflow in abundance. For peace to fill your home and hearts. To have patience while you deal with each other’s shortcomings and the difficulties that come your way. Pray for kindness to be the heart you live out to one another and your children. Together live a righteous and holy life, one that is good and not for the benefit of others or simply for the sake of being virtuous. Pray for your hearts to remain faithful to Christ and one another. To speak with gentleness when facing the craziness of life. And to practice self-control, so nothing can come between you, your spouse, and Christ.
When you pray, pray for them not at them. Try not to pray from a heart to “fix” or “change” them, but to pray for them out of love and for Christ to transform and soften their heart.
Today, if you find yourself in a marriage where praying together is not an option, please know I am praying for you. I pray that God will move in your relationship and for one day, you and your spouse to be prayer warriors-together.
If you’re in a marriage where praying together is an option, I pray for that area of your relationship to be strengthened. For you and your husband to grow closer and boldly proclaim the love of Christ within your marriage. I pray that God will continue to use you as an example to other marriages and those seeking marriage.
I absolutely love this post. Thanks for sharing such a practical way to pray for our marriage.
Thank you, Heather!
I am not married as of yet. But as I hope to be one day, I will take your advice to heart! I have found this to be true also of other people in our lives. Praying for other people often tends to change our heart posture towards them! Thank you for the post!
You’re so welcome!
Hi Heather! I love that you are willing to write about this. This is a very tough subject for many couples, even Christian couples. I’d love to hear your take on a marriage where both spouses are Christians, but the husband doesn’t feel comfortable praying with his wife.
I’ve sought a lot of counsel on this, and even the lady who leads our citywide Bible study said her husband never felt comfortable praying with her. I felt understood, but I also felt a little letdown. This is something I’ve prayed for so many years. After my encounter with her, I realized that I may need to just accept this about my husband.
I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Hi Amanda,
It’s definitely a tough subject with so many layers that it would be impossible to cover it all in one post. I think you bring up a great point because I’m sure there are a lot more couples who deal with this within the church.
It’s hard to give a concrete answer without knowing the couples individually because there are so many factors but the first question I would ask would be, why? Why does the husband not want to pray with his wife? Does he pray on his own time? Does he talk about his relationship with God at all with his wife? If not, why? Is there something the husband would feel uncomfortable talking about if it was brought up during that time of praying?
No matter the reason behind the “why” it doesn’t mean the husband is a bad husband or loves his wife any less. It simply could be because they’ve never seen it practiced with other couples they don’t even think to do it in their own.
I’m glad to hear you felt understood when your friend expressed being in the same situation. I would encourage you to keep praying and never give up. It’s a godly desire to pray with your husband since you two are one. I’m not sure if you’ve had further conversations into why he doesn’t want to, but if you feel comfortable I would suggest asking why and asking to just try it once. Maybe the fear of being so raw and open is intimidating and getting over the initial fear or uncomfortableness will help.
I would love to hear more from you and your personal experiences since I learn so much from others. If you feel more comfortable we could continue this conversation in email: hello@heathermargiotta.com
Thank you for commenting and being open. I’m sure many others here will relate.
What a beautiful story. I will keep this in mind the next time I disagree with my husband.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Sophie!
Thank you this inspiring post! I just read “The Power of a Praying Wife,” and this is an area I need to get better in!
I’ve heard so many wonderful things about that book. I should get just get it since I hear about it so much haha
What a great idea! I am all about praying scripture but had not thought to pray the fruits of the spirit over my husband! Thanks for this
Hi Im not married yet. However my fiance and I were going through exactly what you write in this article. May God continue to bless you with the right words to encourage more women. I am definately going to pray Galations 5:22 for both of us.
Thank you.
I love praying with my husband. The Lord has answered so many of our prayers throughout the years, especially when we have prayed as a couple. I was very intentional, however, about marrying a man I could pray with!
Me too!
It is funny how in marriage the things we’re upset at our spouses for are the very things we need to work on too. I’ve had a similar experience of praying to try to get God to “fix” him only to have God show me all the things I need to be “fixed” in me. God does have a sense of humor.
I’ve also worked with many women as therapy clients who tell me they have been praying for their husband so that God will fix or change them. I will gently ask them what they prayed and then walk through each aspect and ask how they could better love, respect, encourage, and care for all of those areas. It’s generally a hard discussion but such an important one.
Thank you for that, Melissa!
This was absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing. Your post caught my attention because I was thinking about writing an article myself about couples praying together. My husband and I started to pray together while we were dating and we continue to do so. What a blessing it is be be able to pray with your spouse.
That is a huge blessing! I’m so glad God used this post to speak to you. I encourage you to write on the same subject- many couples need to hear this message. I would love to read it when you’re done!