James and I were sitting at a restaurant enjoying a night out with some friends. We were joking around, laughing, and making plans to hang out again.
Some time throughout the evening my friend paused the conversation to ask me a question. This particular night was about three months after my brother passed away. My friend asked, “How are your parents doing because clearly, you’re fine.”
I answered the question stating my parents are doing well considering. However, on the inside I was screaming, “Just because I’m smiling and laughing doesn’t mean I’m OK!” Because honestly, I wasn’t. I wasn’t ok and this dinner was the only time I had smiled and laughed all week because it was the only time I had left the house.
Proverbs 14:13 says, “Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.”
Recently, I was praying and came across this scripture and immediately, it spoke to my heart. The Lord started showing me how there are people around me whose heavy hearts are concealed by laughter. How I am literally surrounded by people who are hurting and I have no clue. I’m assuming everything with them is OK because I see them smiling or laughing. I’m doing to them what my friend did to me.
There are people around you who are hiding their pain. They’re waiting for someone to ask how they’re doing and not just as a salutation. They’re waiting for someone to sit with them with a loving and open heart as they pour out their thoughts and struggles. There is someone looking at you with a bright smile on their face but completely broken on the inside.
Ask the Lord to give you eyes to see past the laughter. To give you the words to speak as you pray over them. To give you the heart to listen intently. To give you the compassion and kindness to reach out again. When you have a friend who you know is walking through some serious things, give them your time and encouragement.
Or maybe you are that person.
You are the one hurting. You are the one waiting for someone to ask you how you’re doing and wait for a real response. You are waiting for someone to offer a time to sit with you as you talk through all your pain. You are waiting for a non-judgemental, compassionate, empathetic heart to cover you with encouragement.
If this is you, my heart is with you today. When someone asks you how you’re doing- give a real response. You don’t need to spill your guts to everyone who asks, but rather have a discerning heart on who to respond to with honesty. Open up and share that you’re dealing with a lot and would like to chat with someone. Please don’t hide. It hurts you and those around you.
If I could go back to that dinner with my friends, instead of ignoring the second part of their question, I wish I would have said, “My parents and I are both struggling. We know we will get through this, but this is really hard. I’m not OK right now.” That would have opened a conversation that I truly needed. That would have given me the space to get out everything that I’d been bottling up for months. I could have had others covering me with their prayers because I didn’t hide behind the laughter. My process of healing might have been smoother or even quicker.
I didn’t hide behind my laughter on purpose and others don’t either.
I want to encourage you to be the friend who sees past the laughter and takes the time to talk about what’s really there. To not take their smile as a sign that everything is OK. If they don’t want to talk about it- they will tell you. But most of the time, they’re desperately waiting for someone to open the door so they can. Don’t be afraid to be the one to bring it up, they may need your strength to feel safe to express their hurt.
I want to encourage you if you are the one hurting behind your smile. I want you to know that I am covering you in prayers. I want to encourage you to speak up and while you do, I pray God gives you the discernment to know who to speak to and when. Don’t worry that you will be “annoying” or “that friend who always talks about their issues.” Your friends care, they just don’t know how to ask.
I would love to hear from you! Please share what side you have been on, or maybe you’ve been on both and how you dealt with it.
It’s so easy to judge people by what we see on the outside. What a great reminder that what we see isn’t always what’s going on in their hearts.
Thank you!
I am on both sides of this! I find the hurting ones and get them to talk about what is going on. I can tell by a persons response, if sincere or not. I go above and beyond to help others because it makes me forget about my problems. It makes me think about how some of my problems are not that bad. I pray for them and with them and ask God to help me also. This article is very helpful. Thank you for always pouring your heart out!
That’s so great to hear that you look for the hurting ones and willing to go above and beyond. Thank you for reading and always sharing!
Excellent post. It’s so easy to smile and say we are just fine. And when we see others doing the same, we assume they are fine too. Good to dig a little deeper.
I love this case. I try to genuinely give people eye contact and let them know I GENUINELY want to know how they’re doing. So many just need to know one person cares.
I have often found this to be the case. When I see someone who is overly jovial or always hilarious, I think they must be covering up a lot of sadness.
That’s a great point, Alice!
Thank you for highlighting this important topic. This is something that many people don’t understand. The laughter for some people is just a mask they put on to not have to deal with their problems or to not have anyone ask what’s going on. Or maybe they are afriad that if they showed their pain no one would care. I pray that if I’m around people hurting like that that I will take the time to reach out to them and not turn away in the name of busyness.
Thanks for your encouraging post. It’s so easy to be superficial with others and give the appearance that everything is fine. Sometimes we are afraid that if we do share our true feelings or thoughts, that people might be put off by it. It is true that some people don’t care to know anything beyond the simple “hi, how are you?” or what you’ve been doing and any interesting anecdotes you have to share. But these aren’t deep friends anyway.
It’s also easy to assume things about others simply by looking at their appearance or the state they are in. If you life is currently broken and you have lost your confidence and don’t feel like being around others, people can assume that you’re just shy or unfriendly rather than considering there might be other things going on. As Christians we need to go deeper with others for true community and genuine relationships.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
Thank you for this reminder to be brave in checking in with others AND reaching out when we need help! It is beautiful the way God is using you to bless others, even in your pain.
I can’t relate to this on the level of losing someone. But dashed hopes and dreams, health issues – having people tell me I look fine when I feel like everything has just been taken away from me and life is falling apart. Yeah. I pray that God will use reminders like yours and the situations that I have been through to help me be more sensitive with grieving friends in the future.
Thank you for sharing, Rebekah. God is good and He uses everything in our life for our good and to bring Him praise.
This speaks to me! I have experienced a lot of tragedy in my life, and people are so quick to judge on social media that I’m fine or that I’m healthy. It’s one snapped photo, one moment I’m smiling. I’m good at hiding my feelings with the people around me, so I totally understand this!
You’re so right. One photo and one moment of smiling don’t mean everything else is great.
Love this. We never know what the next person is going through behind the smile
I’ve been on both sides of that painful smile. This is a lovely post. Sharing prayers for others is a beautiful gesture. Thank you for being so kind.
Thank you, Louise, for your kind comment.
This is a great post and its so important for people to know that they have someone to talk to rather than keeping it all in. Though I find it is difficult to open up about pain. I feel like sometimes people ask you how you’re doing without really wanting to know the answer. either way thanks for sharing!
Beautiful post. It truly touched my heart. I can relate to that hidden pain. Thank you for reaching out to others who keep it hidden away. Lovely!