Last night I was talking to M. I was asking him how he felt about his new school and living in a new state. He loves his school and he loves Ohio, but the cold is hard for him to get use to. He misses wearing shorts everyday. I then asked him about his mom. I have chosen to not act like she does not exist. He was 9 when he came to us and 11 when he was told we would adopt him. Afterall, for the majority of his life she has been his only mom. It was hard to ask but I forced myself to do it. I asked him in a perfect world what he would change about his life. He said he wished his mom was well. That none of the results from her being unwell happened.
In a perfect world I should wish the same thing. I should wish that his mom didn’t struggle and she would raise him to be a strong gentle man. I love M so much that I have to wish none of that happened even if that means he’s not mine. Because it would mean he never felt deep pain or loss. He is not mine anyways. He belongs to the Lord and he is a gift to us, just like Chase. I would sacrifice him being my son for him to have never hurt.
Unfortunately, we live in a broken world but God still uses broken people and moments to bring joy and good. Through the brokenness of my son’s life God’s love has shined. God has always provided and protected him.
As much as I wish he would have answered my question by saying, “Nothing, if I changed anything then I wouldn’t have you and James as my parents,” I am glad he said what he did. It showed me he has a heart for the broken and that is worth it.