Will my son love me as much as he loves her?
I struggle. I struggle with this a lot. I thought about many ways that I could write this so it sounded pretty, well written, and meaningful. But, there is nothing pretty about this struggle. Almost on a daily basis I struggle wanting M to love me as much as Chase loves me. I want M to love me like any child loves their mother.
I want M to love his mom. I want M to have love in his heart towards her and not anger or bitterness. But, I want him to love me too. To be really open here, I want him to love me differently then he loves his mom. His mom made mistakes and failed to show M how a mother is suppose to love and I fear that maybe that damage will hinder M from loving me the way I want him to.
He tells me he loves me. Every night before he goes to bed he tells me he loves me. He only says it though if I say it first. He won’t hug me unless I hug him first and even then he sometimes doesn’t welcome the hug. What I really want is for M to say he loves me on his own. I want him to come up and hug me first. We don’t force him to call us mom and dad. We always communicated that he could call us by our first names or by mom and dad, whatever he is comfortable with. The first two years we had him he called us by our first names because he wasn’t suppose to stay forever. Now that has changed but our names haven’t. I use to feel that I really didn’t need him to call me mom. While this is all still true, I don’t need him to call me mom, I really want him to call me mom.
I know that his mom didn’t say I love you often and I know that she did not hug him often. I know all the text book reasons for why M does everything he does. I was praying the other day about this and I literally thought to myself, “I know all the textbook answers for why M does everything he does but, there is no text book on love.” Then, I heard God laugh. Well not literally but you know what I mean. I remembered the entire Bible is about love and that love is Jesus. I then started reading, doing my daily devotions, and I read this little verse that I have read a million times but this time I read it differently:
I John 4:19 NIV
We love because he first loved us.
The only reason I know what love is and how to love anyone is because Jesus loved me first. When I was praying and I read that scripture, I just sat on it for a moment. I feel the weight of my responsibility being a mother. However, I need to find peace in knowing that M will know what a Godly love from a mother is through me. The only way M will know how to show his love to me is by loving Jesus himself.
Proverbs 22:6 NIV
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
I pray everyday over my children. The prayer I pray first and multiple times throughout the day is that they will love Jesus with all of their heart all the days of their life. I am passionately consumed with that prayer.
I am in this season right now. I am having to show my love first to M like Jesus showed his love first to me. It’s hard. It’s not hard to show my love but it is hard not seeing M show his. I often tell myself that I have it easy. M is such a good kid. He is easy. He doesn’t push James and I away like some other adopted children. I sometimes feel selfish or even silly wanting M to say I love you first or hear him call me mom. But, I am human and a mom. I want to feel the love from my children and the only way I will feel that love is if I point them to Jesus first.